Fog!

Yes, I still feel like I'm in a fog. All the baby stuff doesn't seem real and some times I feel like I'm doing the motions and not here physically. It's weird to explain it all, but I know others have talked about it too. More lately I've been feeling like I woke up from a bad dream as I'm in the midst of all the hard stuff that comes along with a new baby. There are certain people, typically moms, that will ask all I'm "really" doing meaning they are wondering how these rough times are going, and there are other people who ask how I'm doing and expect a chipper grand response. I'm just not there yet, and then I have some guilt when I see their response. I know the guilt is normal, but that doesn't make it easier. 

The advice I've heard over and over is to soak in all these moments in these first three months while you're home. I've been doing that every single day as I cherish my days off and my time with Greg, Travis and the animals.

I've heard that around the 6th week things can be difficult with various stuff  like baby and mom hormonal fluctuations that can cause infant facial/ear rash, decreased milk production, increased cluster feeds, increased fussiness, etc. We are trying to figure out my food intake according to his gas, but we're having no luck there. So, I think it's just part of the growing phase. On top of all that, I landed a big zit on my face as well!!

Last Friday at 6 weeks 1day, he weighed 11#5oz! This week we have been putting on a very diluted Lavender in coconut oil on his face/ears and it is finally starting to clear up. 

Happy 7 weeks!

BLUE

Hormonal blues that caused tears to flow  when:

...my mom wasn't around as much

...I saw toilet paper for the first time after having to use it so much at home during labor

...Travis went to work or was gone too long

...my fresh and initially pumped breastmilk was spilled on accident

...I think about our cat who died in Feb

...Greg eats nonstop for hours at a time 

...my back is so sore and my husband, a massage therapist, doesn't offer to massage me 

...my butt hole burns and feels like it was cracked open from big poops (I love talking about poop)

I completely love Greg's blue eyes:

Sweet little bluebird:

1 month young!

9-6-15 Greg is 1 month young!

As I sit outside on our front porch trying to come up with what to write, I am stumped. I'll write as it comes to me. 

#1 I may have said this in a previous post, but I want to reiterate the fact how I think birth is incredible and unbelievable--how two cells form to make a little human! I still have a hard time believing it is all real. 

#2 I feel sorry for people when they look at me after they ask me how things really are going as they say "isn't it just the best thing ever." This whole process is not peachy for everyone, and it sure has been a really hard journey for me to accept and surrender to. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm completely all there yet. But I also hear lots of other people say you never will be because it's lifelong! I've had to do so much spiritual work to get to this point--most people don't know about this kind of stuff because our society is afraid of delving deep into each other's stories. Those who know me well know that I do not sugarcoat stories to make life look good when it may not be. I'm a realist and tell it how it is so people can learn from it and/or support me. 

... I hear him crying inside, I'll be back...

#3 What I love about Greg: he is a true product of God's will, his dad!, his smell, when I touch him, when he looks at me, when he responds to my touch/smell/voice, his smile, the fact that he likes to look into our animals' eyes, his love for music...

#4 I'm a true believer of self-care. I learned this from all the circumstances we been involved in since 2009 when Travis got laid off from Trane company after 15 years of working there. We must tend to ourselves to be able to tend to others. I know everyone has heard this over and over again but only a few truly live it--I am one of them now. I made time to sit outside by myself, file my fingernails, paint my toenails, and shave my legs on Friday. I went to yoga Saturday for the first time in 5 1/2 weeks, and it was fantastic!!!

That's enough for now!!

Plan B and a Dimple!

The last 3 1/2 weeks I have reflected on how many Plan B's we had to go through to get Greg safely here. It just amazes me why certain people have to go through so much, and then I wonder the typical "why me?" I truly trust that it's all purposeful and God's reasoning will be figured out someday. It frustrates knowing that what we prayed for couldn't come to reality, which was my focus with my spiritual director a few weeks ago. 

For those who do not know what a spiritual director is, I explain them to be like a life coach for your spiritual path whether it be finding your purpose and/or helping direct you with your religion. I think we all should have a spiritual director, so let me know if you would like to get hooked up with one in our area!

My spiritual director helped me realize that our prayers needed to be adjusted a little bit. We were asking God for what we need and hope for versus praying for what we need and hope for AND also asking for the grace and knowledge to deal with it if it didn't happen.

We went into the whole pregnancy planning a homebirth understanding that Plan B would be a hospital birth if an event occurred that warranted it. Our fantastic midwife, Tavniah Betts from Advent Midwifery, and her midwife assistant for the day Alison, our awesome doula (labor coach), Laurie Stiers from Herbs All Around, Travis and my mom worked their magic for 36 hours which is the limit for attempting homebirth after your water breaks.  We were so grateful to be able to do this part at home--thousands (ok, maybe hundreds) of trips to the bathroom to sit on the toilet with my feet on a stool, walks inside and outside the house, homeopathic pellets, triple stair lunges, breast pump sessions, showers, rests in bed, sits on the medicine ball, and constant nutrition to maintain energy with smoothies, soup broth, apple juice, and water...and still only dilated to 5 cm!

Plan B's:

-Transferred to hospital

-Labor induced

-Used nitrous oxide

-Epidural x2!, first one didn't take

-14 more hours of labor

-Stayed overnight in the hospital

-Left the hospital at 11 PM after requesting to leave in the morning

-2 labor and delivery bills!!

Other unfortunate events that felt like we had to use Plan B type of behaviors:

-650 mL blood loss

-Extended epidural effects in my right foot and leg

-Greg with a broken right clavicle (collarbone)

-Greg received two x-rays

-Bullied by two pediatricians

I continually wonder why God puts us in the situations He does. However, I do believe there is purpose in it all and trust it happens for a reason. I'm still angry that it had to go the way it did with so much heartache. Because this post is about Plan B's, I did not put in here all of the blessings from this event--and there were many. 

So, I will end on a positive note with a picture that I finally got today after finding a dimple in Greg's left cheek about a week ago!!! Although, this picture looks like he actually has a dimple in both cheeks.